San Diego heart.

Being single is attractive. The freedom, the choices, the complete availability.

Those in relationships, lets face it, can be dull.
Ladies have to worry if other girlfriend's husbands or boyfriends will "allow" them to have a night out. Men will get upset at the overbearing wife or girlfriend, all the while exchanging emails with the attractive blond who bar tends at the local apple bees.

OR is this just what we see in the media? Is there such thing as a happily married or monogamous couple in their early 20's without being in an "open relationship"?
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Michael and I were together for nearly 3 years. Seeing as though my longest relationship was maybe 6 months, I was not unjustified in thinking "This is the one I am going to marry".

Oh little naive me. It ended badly - and as always, there was another party involved.

I had been in denial of this 3rd party until it slapped me in the face not too long ago when Michael rang me on a particular phone. (did he really think I didn't have her number saved?)
That phone call screamed at me to "MOVE ON!"....fine. I will. I have to. And whoever the next man in my life will be, I would try everything in my power to NOT compare him to the lying heartless half a man named Michael.
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Throughout the years, Dylan and I have always been attracted to each other, so its only natural we enjoy each others company once I was finally available to do so...right? He may be Michael's friend and nearly co-worker, but hey, they would have never known of each others existence had it not been for me.

It was time to claim him back.

What started innocently enough [if you could call it innocent] as ....not what your mother would want to see....text messages, turned into an overnight physically exhausting Christmas eve. Thanks santa ;)
Waking up in his arms reminded me of what I missed about being in a relationship.

However, going out that same night reminded me of why I'm glad I was single.
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Dylan is from Los Angeles. Where monogamy is unheard of. Where you're young, hot and single. LIVE IT UP. with whoever, wherever and whenever. 

How I crave to be one of them. Beautiful, can have their choice of anyone in the world, and people full of envy of their simply having fun lifestyle.
I grew up with believing in marriage and fate. Love and made for each other. betrothed and a double gravestones.

My San Diego heart clashes with his Los Angeles ways.
Perhaps maybe, it was time for a change now. After all, the LA motto is just too appealing to not try out.

I was going to have fun. I felt like I had wasted 3 years of my young life and the time had come to make up for it.

Inspired, I spent my New Years with Randy, chatted up a bit with Nick a week later, then celebrated with Tyler for his birthday
.
Upon finding out Dylan was doing the same, I fell apart.

What made me think he would simply sit at home and play video games while I was out having fun?

In no sense were we in any type of relationship...hell, we sometimes went days without talking!
I had broken the cardinal rule of having fun - having feelings was forbidden.
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Monday night would be the second time I had seen him since Christmas. It started out great, went to amazing, and quickly went to hell after I drank my 5th shot of vodka and brought up his LA ways.
I cant recall the conversation or activity that led to us sleeping together, yet I remember the video camera and his deep yet child like voice saying "you're starting to piss me off."
I cant recall falling asleep yet I can remember him using the sink and me using the toilet.
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day 4 I haven't heard from him. Or Randy, Nick or Tyler.

Clearly, I'm not Los Angeles.
As a matter of fact, I'm sick to my stomach with the weight of 4 different emotions for 4 different men who likely have 10 other different women, but mainly Dylan.

My inspiration and my original distraction from Michael.

So while I sit here with my head twirling and my heart sinking from the lack of new text messages [it's taken me quite awhile to write this- as I am continuously glancing at my cell phone....still a glimmer of hope to see a tiny green blinking light.]
I first tell myself, "having fun" is not worth the heartache I have to endure.

Michael may have been all wrong for me in the end, but just because one relationship didn't work out, does not constitute having a multitude of them simultaneously.

I'm not saying people from Los Angeles are heartless.
I'm simply saying I cant measure up. I tried to be someone I'm not. I cant have the fun everyone craves.
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Michael and I broke up in August..
I wonder if there is another San Diego heart out there for me.

Finally after 5 months, I am taking applications.

The Green Button

I always felt some sort of love for all my past relationships. There are all different sorts, after all. With Aaron, it was never love. it was desire. When you cant see the person, and all you have is a photo to go by, all you have is your imagination. which can lead to endless possibilities. which doesn't exactly help the desire factor.....in a way, it worsens it.

Every night, for months, we would have conversations. for hours on end..about absolutely nothing and it felt so amazingly good. I could be in my pajamas with the worlds worst morning breath with not a stitch of makeup on, and we would be watching a movie together 400 miles apart. I was bursting with happiness every time this person whom I've never met called me.

I had set a ring tone aside for him. Still to this day, every time I hear the song its from, my heart skips a beat. Back then I'd sit by the phone, count down the seconds, minutes, hours until he called. I would log the time he called in my mind and expect the phone to ring around the same time the next night.

The best [or worst, depending on how you look at it] part of our technology-ridden relationship is that i felt needed. He needed me to go to the grocery store, the bank, taco bell and even the gym at 3 in the morning. Perhaps it was just easier over the phone than going through the hassle of going to pick me up, waiting for me to get ready, dealing with the awkwardness of trying to decide on the regular mac-n-cheese or the white shells kind for a pair of two people who were not even in a real relationship. I was as convenient as taking the phone out of your pocket. If we ever got mad at each other one could just hit the end button. There is no end button in real life.

Once it came time for us to meet face to face, I couldn't think of a word to say. 4 months of us yapping to 3 AM, silly arguments and disagreements, and there we were. in silence. He was in a texting conversation across the table, planning out the rest of his night for after he left the restaurant. After heading to the bathroom to make sure none of my eyelashes were stuck together from my 50th coat of mascara, I returned to the table for my 50th shot of sake, and after what seemed like the 50th hour slowly dragged by, I left.

The end button would have really come in handy about then.

I received a text message not too long after. He laughed about it. While i was too traumatized to even face him again.

We both made up for it the next night. 2 clubs. far too many alcoholic beverages, I went home with him.
I examined his room as thoroughly as I could without him noticing. I memorized every pile of clothing and mark on the wall. The whole time thinking "this is where you fall asleep on the phone with me.." "this is where you were sitting at your computer when we first met.." It may have been a little creepy, but at the time, it was literally like a dream come true.

Waking up next to him was surreal. I knew even then, that if I don't die on the 2 hour flight home, the distance between us will surely murder me.

the random trips we took to-and-from San Diego and Las Vegas only worsened my condition. He had formed a cocky attitude, or maybe now I was just realizing it. I was getting tested. And teased. When I would get upset because he was going out with other girls, it would be "cute"...."I'll call you tomorrow. Maybe." The next day I'd be disappointed because I had received no phone call...it would be "crazy"..."stop acting crazy."

I began to think...maybe I am acting a little too clingy. too 'crazy.' Maybe I am becoming some horrible 'stalker-esque not-even-technically-his'...girlfriend. Whatever we were now, I didn't want to ruin it with the word "girlfriend." For I could very well be one of many, and not even know it.

It got to the point where I could no longer take his teasing. His giggling at my attempts of affection. Like I was a project. He and an audience were watching me do my tricks through a display glass window.

I blocked him. On a number of occasions. deleted him from my internet profiles, and instant messaging contact lists. But I could never delete him from my phone. Whatever glimmer of a bond we had, it would all start and end on that thing. (although his name did change a number of times.)

He once told me "I'm not going to be the guy that does everything for you. If you want to be babied, go find someone else. Get lazy and fat." This in response to asking him for a valentines day card. I like to tell myself it was because he wanted me to be successful in my endeavors and not be co dependent on people for the rest of my life.... Or maybe he just didn't care to do anything for me.

This is not to make him sound like a horrible person. This is just a reminder in some way. I don't think I would be as well off now if it was not for him.

I was always afraid to tell him how much I cared for him.. how i couldn't go a few days without hearing his voice. or a few minutes without thinking of hearing his voice because there was always that end button threatening me.

not too long ago, I finally did. Maybe it was because now that I am in a relationship with an actual person, and not a cell phone, I felt I had nothing to lose. He told me what I wanted to hear. "you have to have patience with me..." "you know how hard it is a state away..."

The whole time, he may have cared. May have pushed me away so his feelings would not increase. So it wouldn't make the distance even harder, But that's exactly what he did. As I lied and said "I'll talk to you soon" and he didn't lie and replied "maybe" I hit the end button. And it was done.

It's been almost a year now that I've been with someone else. Moved away from home, got my own place, (with some pretty interesting roommates) work is right across the street and life is going just right. I don't have to cook a thing. And I didn't get lazy or fat.

Its week three. and the dreams have not ceased. Its as if hes dead...and he exists only in my memory. in my dreams. Which are becoming more and more like nightmares. Nightmares which are causing me to write this...leading me to remember why i really did hit the red button, and wondering what I'd unleash if today I'd hit the green one.