I always felt some sort of love for all my past relationships. There are all different sorts, after all. With Aaron, it was never love. it was desire. When you cant see the person, and all you have is a photo to go by, all you have is your imagination. which can lead to endless possibilities. which doesn't exactly help the desire factor.....in a way, it worsens it.
Every night, for months, we would have conversations. for hours on end..about absolutely nothing and it felt so amazingly good. I could be in my pajamas with the worlds worst morning breath with not a stitch of makeup on, and we would be watching a movie together 400 miles apart. I was bursting with happiness every time this person whom I've never met called me.
I had set a ring tone aside for him. Still to this day, every time I hear the song its from, my heart skips a beat. Back then I'd sit by the phone, count down the seconds, minutes, hours until he called. I would log the time he called in my mind and expect the phone to ring around the same time the next night.
The best [or worst, depending on how you look at it] part of our technology-ridden relationship is that i felt needed. He needed me to go to the grocery store, the bank, taco bell and even the gym at 3 in the morning. Perhaps it was just easier over the phone than going through the hassle of going to pick me up, waiting for me to get ready, dealing with the awkwardness of trying to decide on the regular mac-n-cheese or the white shells kind for a pair of two people who were not even in a real relationship. I was as convenient as taking the phone out of your pocket. If we ever got mad at each other one could just hit the end button. There is no end button in real life.
Once it came time for us to meet face to face, I couldn't think of a word to say. 4 months of us yapping to 3 AM, silly arguments and disagreements, and there we were. in silence. He was in a texting conversation across the table, planning out the rest of his night for after he left the restaurant. After heading to the bathroom to make sure none of my eyelashes were stuck together from my 50th coat of mascara, I returned to the table for my 50th shot of sake, and after what seemed like the 50th hour slowly dragged by, I left.
The end button would have really come in handy about then.
I received a text message not too long after. He laughed about it. While i was too traumatized to even face him again.
We both made up for it the next night. 2 clubs. far too many alcoholic beverages, I went home with him.
I examined his room as thoroughly as I could without him noticing. I memorized every pile of clothing and mark on the wall. The whole time thinking "this is where you fall asleep on the phone with me.." "this is where you were sitting at your computer when we first met.." It may have been a little creepy, but at the time, it was literally like a dream come true.
Waking up next to him was surreal. I knew even then, that if I don't die on the 2 hour flight home, the distance between us will surely murder me.
the random trips we took to-and-from San Diego and Las Vegas only worsened my condition. He had formed a cocky attitude, or maybe now I was just realizing it. I was getting tested. And teased. When I would get upset because he was going out with other girls, it would be "cute"...."I'll call you tomorrow. Maybe." The next day I'd be disappointed because I had received no phone call...it would be "crazy"..."stop acting crazy."
I began to think...maybe I am acting a little too clingy. too 'crazy.' Maybe I am becoming some horrible 'stalker-esque not-even-technically-his'...girlfriend. Whatever we were now, I didn't want to ruin it with the word "girlfriend." For I could very well be one of many, and not even know it.
It got to the point where I could no longer take his teasing. His giggling at my attempts of affection. Like I was a project. He and an audience were watching me do my tricks through a display glass window.
I blocked him. On a number of occasions. deleted him from my internet profiles, and instant messaging contact lists. But I could never delete him from my phone. Whatever glimmer of a bond we had, it would all start and end on that thing. (although his name did change a number of times.)
He once told me "I'm not going to be the guy that does everything for you. If you want to be babied, go find someone else. Get lazy and fat." This in response to asking him for a valentines day card. I like to tell myself it was because he wanted me to be successful in my endeavors and not be co dependent on people for the rest of my life.... Or maybe he just didn't care to do anything for me.
This is not to make him sound like a horrible person. This is just a reminder in some way. I don't think I would be as well off now if it was not for him.
I was always afraid to tell him how much I cared for him.. how i couldn't go a few days without hearing his voice. or a few minutes without thinking of hearing his voice because there was always that end button threatening me.
not too long ago, I finally did. Maybe it was because now that I am in a relationship with an actual person, and not a cell phone, I felt I had nothing to lose. He told me what I wanted to hear. "you have to have patience with me..." "you know how hard it is a state away..."
The whole time, he may have cared. May have pushed me away so his feelings would not increase. So it wouldn't make the distance even harder, But that's exactly what he did. As I lied and said "I'll talk to you soon" and he didn't lie and replied "maybe" I hit the end button. And it was done.
It's been almost a year now that I've been with someone else. Moved away from home, got my own place, (with some pretty interesting roommates) work is right across the street and life is going just right. I don't have to cook a thing. And I didn't get lazy or fat.
Its week three. and the dreams have not ceased. Its as if hes dead...and he exists only in my memory. in my dreams. Which are becoming more and more like nightmares. Nightmares which are causing me to write this...leading me to remember why i really did hit the red button, and wondering what I'd unleash if today I'd hit the green one.
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